Discipline and I ain't talking about the Janet album
I’ve been very surface online lately. I don’t want to get too deep. I feel like if I do something will erupt. And I’m not looking forward to that. I don’t want to be bother with it. Be bothered with my feelings. I’m hiding from them. My own gf don’t even want to deal with them.
My advancement test is coming up. I got study like crazy. I’ll be getting up very early tomorrow to hit the books then the gym. I got to make it! So much depends on it. So much is riding on this test. I need this. I mapped out my next 6 months. Lots of plans. I need this advancement. I got to trust the Creator to have my back. I got to trust me and my intuition. And trust the Creator has got me.
I’m suppose to be sleep. I know I’m going to pay for this in the morn. No rest for the weary. I’ll rest later. I can’t wait to get to work. I have become my job. It’s ok. I need this. You have no idea. I have so much to complete before August. Loose ends. A list full. I do know I want to enjoy every moment I have left. Every moment I have with everyone I care about. But I don’t want to deal with the drama of those. I am going to make a conscience effort to avoid other’s drama. I will make and effort to let people know, I don’t want to be involved in your drama party. I don’t want to be invited. I’m not coming. Please don’t send an evite.
Long weekend. It would of been perfect, if I would of spent it right. But I did what I was able to do. I am grateful for the time off. But I don’t like having to reset my body clock. I really fucked myself on this one. Sleeping in throws my whole shit off. My sleep is jacked. And it’s going to take a week to get it back in order.
I should of gon to salsa tonight. I didn’t feel like it. I had to get ready for work. Maybe I’ll go later this week. Free salsa. Why not?!?! I know my day will be good tomorrow. I will wake up and head into a blessed day. I will come home and study my ass off for my advancement test. I will prep properly. Plan to succeed.
I blog again later. I have some things I would like to share. Work through.
Song of the night: Nirvana - Polly (never mind album)
This might be short tonight. I should probably be writing in my book but I’m being lazy. I don’t want to turn on the lights or nothing. I should be sleep. But I can’t just yet …
I know I’m blessed but my heart has it’s heavy moments. It sometimes hard to push thru those moments. I do. Cuz I’m build strong. I got to remember what’s my focus. Sometimes it gets lost in translation. Mixed in the pot. Not sure which is what. I want to talk to her beyond surface. Beyond day to day bullshit but real hardcore feelings. I know none of us are ready. I know she would say fucked up things on purpose. To see if she has the power to hurt me. To know she’s still in my skin. I don’t want her to know anything. I can’t trust her. I don’t even care what she thinks anymore. It won’t make a difference honestly. I don’t mind talking and hearing her voice. I miss it. But I know she … Or maybe I don’t know. I shouldn’t even care. I know this blog is so vague. My feelings are vague to me too. They’re written in symbols. I can barely decipher them. I’m too busy hiding and pushing feelings away. It can be a full time job I don’t want to make a career of it.
As I lay and think … She has made it officially hard for the next chick. I apologize in advance to her. Because it’s not her fault I am going to be as hard as I am. I should of be hard with the last one, but I knew what I had. So I didn’t. Just another notch on the bedpost as they say. I have mixed feelings about everything. I need to decide on one thing and just stick with it. Her words recently has pushed me to my most current feelings. I’m done. I’m putting all my hope in a box and putting it in my attic. Putting away all my emotions in a shoebox and pulling it out to reminisce. I got to compartmentalize I’ll be leave and I want to had put all the stupid feelings away. Not bury. But put away. I don’t need them. In time, I might get rid of them all together.
Sorry for bothering you. Just a quick question if you have the time to answer it. What rate would someone have a better chance of becoming part of the NECC? The Seabees? and thank you for your service to our country.
Thank you for your support. Becoming a Seabee is an excellent start. Lot might help you get into this community. And I don’t mind answering your questions when u have down time. It’s no problem.
I don't fully understand what NECC is after looking it up. Could you explain it for me please? If not I understand. I was interested in the MA rate but i'd rather do more than just that. So I'm trying to look into other rates.
NECC is the expediationary unit. Brown water sailors. MA is a good rate if your interested in law enforcement. In my unit, everyone don’t have to do just their job. We are a boats unit, so we do a lot with boats and combat.
Song of the night: Frederic Chopin - Nocturne No. 2 E Flat Major
I haven’t bathe in 4 days. I itch. Not necessarily stink but I’m hella tired. My back is sore. Pretty hungry. I can’t wait to get back to my office. My desk and get to work. So much to do and study. Today we did a ceremony for quite a few accomplishments. I am proud of my shipmates. I am attached to a pretty good unit. Being a part of the ceremony inspires me to be a better sailor. So I can stand up there next and be appreciated and admired for my hard work. Hard work is everything. Accolades are everything. My Leading Petty Officer (LPO) is impressed with my current work ethic. I’ve been giving everything I have to my job. I have lots of special things I can leave to Qatar with if I work hard and smart. It’s all about working smart. We, Yeoman, must always figure out smart and innovative ways to solve problems. This is something I am working hard on. Creative problem solving. My girl is good at this. It’s an admirable trait.
Well, I’m getting sleepy. Tomorrow is our last day out in this dirt. I can’t wait to get back. I rise early so I must depart. Till then …
Tonight I miss her. Heavy. I feel like I’m drowning in the thickness of the emptiness she left me with. I am wading in something I wish I was not experiencing. But this is life and we can’t help our situations. Sometimes they just happen.
Tonight I am in the field. Surrounded by dirt, gopher holes, fatigues, and the sounds of whirling helicopters all night. MREs for every meal. Yuck! I had spaghetti and tortellini today. I’m lookin for the beef stew. I heard that’s the best one for some nastiness we eating. When I get back, I’m eating the best meal I can by. Something filling and inexpensive. We are suppose to be doing this shit again in July. I’m cool. I don’t like camping. By the time July hits, I’m going to be so busy getting ready for Qatar. I won’t be worried. All I know is, I can’t wait til Sunday. This exercise will be over and I’ll be back home. Relaxing. I’ll need a serious shower and a strong drink. You have no idea. I thought I would share my navy night with you. I love my job. My rate. Best ever. Hooyah Yeoman! We the best! Long day. So good night.
Just pure excitement. Im going away. Im deploying in August! I spoke this and it happened. The universe be listening. My mentor said that the universe moves fairly quick for me. I see that. This is going to be an amazing experience. Something new to see. To feel… Wake up. I want to see the world and I will start this year. I made a point to start traveling when I turned 21. I went to Vegas by myself, just to see if I could do it. Ive came a long way. Its time I do something new. No fear! Just jump and see where I land. I dont leave til August but I have plenty of time to take care of things. August will be here in no time. The summer. This is a huge blessing. The most high knew. Knew I needed this is so many ways. I applied Friday late morning and I found out 8am this morning! What fate!