Discipline and I ain't talking about the Janet album
I’ve been very surface online lately. I don’t want to get too deep. I feel like if I do something will erupt. And I’m not looking forward to that. I don’t want to be bother with it. Be bothered with my feelings. I’m hiding from them. My own gf don’t even want to deal with them.
My advancement test is coming up. I got study like crazy. I’ll be getting up very early tomorrow to hit the books then the gym. I got to make it! So much depends on it. So much is riding on this test. I need this. I mapped out my next 6 months. Lots of plans. I need this advancement. I got to trust the Creator to have my back. I got to trust me and my intuition. And trust the Creator has got me.
I’m suppose to be sleep. I know I’m going to pay for this in the morn. No rest for the weary. I’ll rest later. I can’t wait to get to work. I have become my job. It’s ok. I need this. You have no idea. I have so much to complete before August. Loose ends. A list full. I do know I want to enjoy every moment I have left. Every moment I have with everyone I care about. But I don’t want to deal with the drama of those. I am going to make a conscience effort to avoid other’s drama. I will make and effort to let people know, I don’t want to be involved in your drama party. I don’t want to be invited. I’m not coming. Please don’t send an evite.
Long weekend. It would of been perfect, if I would of spent it right. But I did what I was able to do. I am grateful for the time off. But I don’t like having to reset my body clock. I really fucked myself on this one. Sleeping in throws my whole shit off. My sleep is jacked. And it’s going to take a week to get it back in order.
I should of gon to salsa tonight. I didn’t feel like it. I had to get ready for work. Maybe I’ll go later this week. Free salsa. Why not?!?! I know my day will be good tomorrow. I will wake up and head into a blessed day. I will come home and study my ass off for my advancement test. I will prep properly. Plan to succeed.
I blog again later. I have some things I would like to share. Work through.
Song of the night: Nirvana - Polly (never mind album)
This might be short tonight. I should probably be writing in my book but I’m being lazy. I don’t want to turn on the lights or nothing. I should be sleep. But I can’t just yet …
I know I’m blessed but my heart has it’s heavy moments. It sometimes hard to push thru those moments. I do. Cuz I’m build strong. I got to remember what’s my focus. Sometimes it gets lost in translation. Mixed in the pot. Not sure which is what. I want to talk to her beyond surface. Beyond day to day bullshit but real hardcore feelings. I know none of us are ready. I know she would say fucked up things on purpose. To see if she has the power to hurt me. To know she’s still in my skin. I don’t want her to know anything. I can’t trust her. I don’t even care what she thinks anymore. It won’t make a difference honestly. I don’t mind talking and hearing her voice. I miss it. But I know she … Or maybe I don’t know. I shouldn’t even care. I know this blog is so vague. My feelings are vague to me too. They’re written in symbols. I can barely decipher them. I’m too busy hiding and pushing feelings away. It can be a full time job I don’t want to make a career of it.
As I lay and think … She has made it officially hard for the next chick. I apologize in advance to her. Because it’s not her fault I am going to be as hard as I am. I should of be hard with the last one, but I knew what I had. So I didn’t. Just another notch on the bedpost as they say. I have mixed feelings about everything. I need to decide on one thing and just stick with it. Her words recently has pushed me to my most current feelings. I’m done. I’m putting all my hope in a box and putting it in my attic. Putting away all my emotions in a shoebox and pulling it out to reminisce. I got to compartmentalize I’ll be leave and I want to had put all the stupid feelings away. Not bury. But put away. I don’t need them. In time, I might get rid of them all together.
Sorry for bothering you. Just a quick question if you have the time to answer it. What rate would someone have a better chance of becoming part of the NECC? The Seabees? and thank you for your service to our country.
Thank you for your support. Becoming a Seabee is an excellent start. Lot might help you get into this community. And I don’t mind answering your questions when u have down time. It’s no problem.